Try Everything

It's 12:35am in the morning and I can't wait until I fly.

It might sound cliche right now to say:

"I'm like a bird, I wanna fly away."

But judging by how often I don't sleep.

I'm probably an owl that like to keep my eyes open in the dark.

But no, I do wanna fly away.

Clock is ticking, and very soon I will be flying to Portland, Oregon.

I still remember how my first boyfriend used to say how beautiful it is down there.

I believe him.
And Years since our break up, now it's officially time for a visit.

Now let me and my friend Li embark on a whole new journey of mutual trust, and wilderness survival.

 

Say "Cheese" Brooklyn.

Sleep-Cooking

It's 2am in the morning.

I figured writing profusely about Trump, Stock Market Crash, and nuclear weapons probably doesn't do my insomnia any good.
Usually I opt for the good karma route and practice the arts of posting adorable animal and inspirational athlete videos on Facebook.

Tonight's one of those nights where I couldn't sleep, and decides to cook something.
Well I'm not entirely hungry.

It's one of those nights when the process of doing the work is more fulfilling then the outcome.
I just want to occupy those empty time spaces in between daydreams and overthinking.

I find tremendous amounts of satisfaction in listening to the sizzling sound of [vegan] chicken breast grilling on the pan. While at the same time hypothesizing myself into feeling good that I am not hurting any animals through this process.

I salivate at the thought of soy meat while boiling potatoes, all to put them in the fridge when I'm done.
While my saliva says otherwise,
I am not hungry at all.

"You could paint"
"You could call a friend"
"You could go catch pokemon"

Random thoughts.
I really just want to cook.

Let the others catch 'em all.

Life Conditions

I kept contemplating a freedom that is fundamental to every human experience.

A freedom that does not superimpose any limitations on us due to our financial means, our social status, or our physical appearances.

A freedom that we all share disregarding external hardships and circumstances.
A freedom of the commoner.
Found non-discriminatory between the King and the Peasants.
The President and the citizens.

That is where I realized I am always free within my imaginations.

In my dreams,
I can always create and destroy the scenarios.
In my mind,
I can convince myself out of physical pains, sufferings, and conflicts.

I can always choose as an individual to what doctrines I want to abide by and how I want to experience life, spiritually.

Should there be a law for social, economical, or the physical parts of life.
Is it worthy to consider that there must also be universal law(s) within this dimension, that operates regardless of our common understanding or belief.

So perhaps that freedom is simply operating within these laws,
And the choices of when we want to take these routines are determined via our life conditions.

Conditions such as:
Am I happy at this moment?
Am I satisfied at this moment?
Am I motivated at this moment?

For our emotions are the most essence deciders for what is going to happen to us in the future.
Our ability to hope and stay focused creates opportunities for us in the long run.

So when you say to me:

Dreams are dangerous things. You should never have them.

I had to ask (in my mind) how are you doing today?
If something is bothering you.

For I know, that what you speak is what is inside of you.
And your life condition seems grave.

I wish the best for you everyday.

Character of the Day: Nelson Mandala

To Bring Order into a Chaotic World

To bring order into a chaotic world,
Is to see with a distant eye, filled with acute observation.

As children we are naturally self-centered.
So be ruthless in your rejection of emotions while evaluating the world,
For we are born with imperfections.
We are born into this world, with an ego that does not match our capabilities.

Be careful of your negative emotions, as that is why lions eat their young.

As animals we see the world as a battlefield, and us the king.
As wise mens, we see the world as a soccer field, and us bounded by the equality of brotherhood.

Conquer your self, but not that of others.

The World is yours if only you let go.

Character of the Day: Osho

Zero as a number

Zero is but a symbol, representing what isn't, but could be.
Zero represents possibilities.

So with the concerns of our mind, if you count it, it exist. 

If you acknowledge it, it manifests.

That is what is called, free will.

The Universe operates in such a way that leaves nothing to chance. Even the Chaos theory, stems from a series of solid fundamental mathematical proofs that draws us towards Chaos. We found chaos in structure, it is not to say that we will find structure in chaos.

Through sheer will, we can see more of a situation by how we are focusing our attention.

Break me down to the basics, we are merely cosmic stuffs made of carbon. There is no separation between you and I, other then our will. What we will to see, dictates the reality we create along with the Universe.

Our physical bodies might be extremely limiting. But everything it touches brings us closer to the truth we analysis of this physical world.
So should we relay merely on our senses to guide us, is to hinder ourselves from all the possibilities of the world. Therefore, it is always critical to live with an opened mind.

Zero is a number, if you will it to be.
There is nothing more exhilarating than to live opened and freely.

Now if you would pardon me,
I will for some nice and warm Barley water.
And I am certain I'm gonna get it.

Character of the Day: Carl Sagan 

Phonies

I want to speak about the things most of us aren't willing to talk about.
Or at least, I desire to be that sort of blogger.

Anything else besides my desire and my language skills is beyond my control.

It has come to my realization that alot of times the things we aren't speaking about is where the pain is. And by coming to terms with them, by speaking the truth, perhaps we heal.

I grow up in major cities all my life. Might it be in Taipei, Singapore, or New York City, as a wide-eyed child time and time again I have seen people putting up shields of social mask and persona's because we believe that is what is expected of us. It isn't that I could not understand the need for Defence Mechanisms. It is the fact that I couldn't understand why we can't be honest or comfortable with ourselves.

I have always wondered why we find being a "phony" (in the words of Holden Caulfield) to be synonymous with conditions such as being an adult, or being mature. I used to think Holden's cool (with a captial C). He was the rebel, the cool kid, and the deviant. I guess as a teenager, I just appreciate the authenticity of his thinking-outside-the-box.

Today we live in a very phony-driven age. With the advancement of technology, we take pictures of ourselves everywhere. I like many others, try to leave the best mark on our profile because it is human nature to do so. But beneath the image, how align are we to the photographies? Does the gap causes significant dissatisfaction? I hope it doesn't. While taking pictures of myself, I am highly aware of my phony behaviors, yet at the same time, I seem to enjoy it.

 "You're too honest Phoebe", and "You speak without thinking." has always been the criticism I get from my dearest friends, for they believe that I would be hurt by the ones who couldn't handle the truth. And there are times when they are right. Overly speaking my mind is the equivalent of being brainless or insensitive to other people's emotions. But ironically it has also been due to the same criticism that my friends have chose to stick by my side. I am the fortunate kind.

You win some you lose some.

There are always somethings that we can't change isn't it? Our personalities, our sexual attraction, our parents, or our strengths and weaknesses. , sometimes our health, or our physical appearance. We might improve them, but can we truly do a complete change? The cruel answer is no. So that leaves me wondering how much of our phoniness is perhaps an innate trait? Perhaps Holden was wrong in his judgments. Phonies might not have choose to be phonies. They are simply "born this way." And to think right now, how much hurt and suffering we have inflected on others by forcing a change on someone?

Forcing a lefty to use their right hand, forcing a gay child to dress a certain way, forcing obedience and order. How many of us do we truly know what we are doing? How many of us have lost ourselves in our self-declared certainty? Despite my phoniness, I am also just a person, filled with sound and fury.

And whenever I am in a mood like this, pondering and debating with myself. At the end of the day as I look upon the night sky, watchful of that rising sun or that full moon leaves me certain that I am but a minuscule dust residing on this very vast galaxy, that I will never completely understand. Knowing how small I am reminds me of how even smaller my phoniness matters.

And that, deserves a large size selfie.

A Mother

The revelation of a sin is the turning point of the sinner.

Or so I was told. 

Yesterday I had the great privilege of speaking to a relentlessly strong mother. Not only is she a founder of her own company, a semi-professional Tango dancer, a cheerful lady, but she also struggles to come to terms with having a son with drugs, alcohol, and gambling addicts. A bad divorce, and a failing health. Her life is nothing that resembles mine,  and I do not credit myself as being capable of saying "Yes, I understand."

As much as a feminist as I am. I have to admit that the first woman we learn from, in terms of our self identity and understanding of femininity, is usually our mothers. Our mothers shows us how to deal with the world around us, and how to deal with the world within us. Stripping away her social status, I see nothing but a heartbroken mother. 

Our interaction was one of those precious moments when you are given the allowance to slip into the shoes of others, submerge in their life stories, and hopefully come out anew. Yes it's true. We all have our problems and our inner Dharma. Most are repetitive. But they are never the same, nor ever dull.

A mother's strength lies in the love for her children, so fresh and raw. As she speaks I sense her deep negativity and bitterness. Perhaps wealth was never her objective, but the acceptance of her child. The health of her loved one. Wishing for what God did not give her, is that a sin? Should she be content?

"Dream is a dangerous thing, don't dream."

Or so I was told. 

By the one who never had the chance to do so.

I hope that whatever she choice to dream in the future, will be hers.

For once. In her insufferable life.